Just wanted you all to know that the Wilson family is slowly but surely pulling through. It’s been a whirlwind of emotions. We’re hoping for a better year next year. We lost too many friends and family last year and aren’t sure how much more we can take. We know we’re not alone and the only ones enduring such hard times. This is something everyone must face. This loss just hit a little closer to home and broke our hearts.
It’s times like this I realize I’m much better with my words on here than in RL. Not sure why that is, but I can put more into my words when I’m left alone to my thoughts and a pen or keyboard at hand. When I’m in the now and hit with the inevitable – my mind goes into a tunnel, and I can’t say what it is I’m really feeling or thinking. It’s there; I just can’t get it out. I’ve always been like that. Perhaps that’s my reason for turning to my stories so much. I feel freer to express myself, always have. That can be a gift and a curse. You see, I’m the fucking WORST when it comes to consoling people (or that’s how I feel anyhow), even that of my own fucking husband because I don’t know what to say or do. I fear that I will say or do something wrong and hate myself afterward. But I do my damnest to be there, even if it’s just an ear or shoulder to cry on or if someone needs to unleash a little steam.
Kristi (my husband’s sister) was supposed to come down and visit the very week she died. She’d talked to my husband the day before and asked him what size shirt he wore, for a gift she had in mind. I think that’s what hit us hardest. My husband and his father had to pack everything up at the house she was living in, which is a few hours away from us. She’d just moved in not long ago, and there were price tags on things she hadn’t even got to wear or use yet. I’ve spent nearly three days going through the stuff my husband brought home. Every time I find a price tag or something that I know was probably meant as a Christmas gift it breaks me and I can only imagine what my husband and his father are going through.
It’s been a crazy, emotional, and tiresome couple weeks and we haven’t even had the funeral yet. There are still arrangements to be made and other things to take care of.
You see I’m sitting here at my desk, trying to find my muse, but all I can think about is Kristi and everything my husband is going through. I haven’t written since we found out. Normally, I turn to my writing as a source of therapy but no matter how much I try… nothing. I can look my notes over and the current chapter I’ve written, and I can even add bits and pieces here and there. But when I legit try… nothing.
Fear not, I know I’ll get there. I’ve got my headphones on, my Galway Girl playlist going, and determination on my side. I know if I just give it a little more time and patience, I will get there. Loss and heartaches have a funny way about things. They fuck with your mind. It makes you question everything. And talk about the worst case of insomnia… I’ve always dealt with insomnia, but it’s at an all-time high and I just fucking lay there fucking thinking and thinking and thinking, to the point of wanting to scream. I just want to shut it all off, even if for a day and go back to normal (well normal for me). I know I’ll get there. And I’ll do my damnest to get my husband and children there as well.
I want to thank everyone for their kind words, vibes, thoughts, and prayers (via FB as well). It truly has meant a lot.
As to the douchebag that gave me hell when they found out about my husband’s sister, this message/post obviously isn’t for you. Anyone that can use death and rape as a way to verbally abuse someone needs their head examined. You’re the lowest of low, and there is no hope for you. It’s like that song from Shinedown. No one likes a bully, and no one’s going to miss you when you’re gone. Cruel? You betcha. But no crueler than the terrible things you said about me, my family, and my friends. Oh, and FYI next time be a man and sign in under your actual account name instead of a guest reviewer. I’d say you’re a pussy but like Betty White once said… Those things take a pounding and you clearly can’t. You just sit behind that keyboard of yours and continue in your trolling, psychotic, abusive ways. Karma truly is a bitch, and she’ll find you when she’s ready.
Alright, Imma hit post on this here soon and hope for a little luck with my writing tonight. So if you guys could send some my way, I’d truly appreciate it. I need this, just a night of normalcy, back to my roots. So my fingers are crossed as I said… I’m determined!
For those wondering when I’m getting back to social media… Just give me a little more time. I dipped my toes in today but wasn’t quite ready. As for my husband, it will be a while. I can tell you that much. I meant it though when I said we have the best support system. You guys are always there, always understanding, and always eager to lend us your ears and hearts. We couldn’t ask for anything better. Thank you!
All my love,